At every last moment, consent presents us with what may be one of the most exciting opportunities: the exciting pleasure you and your partners can discover and enjoy together. Consent gives you the opportunity to find not just your desire, but the depth of your desire. And on top of that (pun intended), to create an environment where your partners can express the distinct depth of their desire. And to cap it all off, consent encourages all parties to have the opportunity to enjoy what is shared and to incorporate the sexy subtlety which would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Now that’s hot! So this article is meant to be an opportunity. Albeit, a dirty one. So, if you’ve been looking for a challenge which would get you to explore the incredible nuance of “dirty” as it applies to your red hot romance, look no further and read on.
Before we get down and dirty, I want to quickly mention that not everyone likes to get down and dirty. If you do like to talk or feel dirty, that’s great! If you don’t, that’s great too! Even if you aren’t a dirty talker, this article may still have valuable information/questions for you.
I. What Is Dirty Talk?
Defining dirty talk can be a bit ambiguous at first but with a little effort it can become clear as crystal. So, how do we define dirty talk? Well, I don’t think it’s ‘we’ who should be defining it. I believe how you want to define your dirty talk and what makes you feel ‘dirty’ is up to you. And you alone. We all relate to our bodies and our sexuality differently. We all have our own sexual fingerprint, metaphorically speaking. Dirty for some may be as clean as it gets for others. I know, this doesn’t really answer what dirty talk is. Yet. That’s because to answer, “What is dirty talk?” we should instead be asking both:
What (if anything) makes me feel dirty?
How/what do I want to communicate when I feel dirty?
Yes, generally speaking there can be a broad definition of dirty talk. It could refer to one or a combination of the following: the language used, the dynamics involved, the activities being enjoyed, and/or something else. But, I don’t want this article to tell you what dirty talk ‘is’ per say. I’d rather help you answer it for yourself. I believe the world’s leading expert on your pleasure is you. Remember how consent is such a thrilling opportunity? I hope this can be your opportunity to help you discover if/how you prefer to get down and dirty, up and clean, or some combination of both.
II: What Gets You Dirty?
What makes you feel dirty can be an extremely exciting question to answer for yourself as well as to share with your partners. Consent is all about asking questions. So to help you discover more about your inner dirty voice as well as provide you with some first steps to help you use this voice, here are different questions I’d like to encourage you to sit down and answer. (You can stand up to answer these questions too. Any arrangement is encouraged while you answer these questions so long as you’re answering the questions.)
Before I start, I highly encourage you to write your answers down. By writing it down will you start to be consciously aware of your sexual wants as well as be more equipped to incorporate this envisioned dirty talk into your liaising. There are a bunch of different ways for you to write these thoughts down; you can try a YNM chart, a love letter, a journal entry, or simply write down the answers down as they come. No matter if you’re exploring consent for the first time, or have been talking dirty for years, here are some entry points to help you understand more of your own personalized dirty talk. When you feel dirty…
- …How do you refer to your erogenous areas?
- …Do the ways you are being referred to change? Do you like to be called something else?
- …How do you refer to your partner’s erogenous areas?
- …How do you refer to your partner?
- …Can you describe any dynamics that occur? Do the dynamics change? If yes, how so?
- …When would you like to dirty talk during the sexual activity? Do you like dirty talk to happen during foreplay? During sex? Most of the time? Sometimes? Rarely? Never?
- …When would you like to begin talking dirty with your partners? Soon? After you get to know them more? Immediately? Perhaps later? Never?
- …How do you feel when you talk dirty? Do you feel very submissive? Slightly submissive? Neutral? Slightly dominant? Very dominant?
- ….Do you like to say or be called derogatory terms? If so, which ones?
- ….Do you like to curse?
- …Do you like your partner cursing?
- …Do you like to objectify your partner when you talk dirty? How?
- …Do you like to be objectified? How?
Unfortunately, sex is simultaneously one of the most discussed and shamed topics. As a result people can have an extremely difficult time being entirely honest with themselves about their desire since it can be so heavily judged. I want to encourage you to be entirely honest with yourself while you answer these questions. When it comes to intimacy, The Consensual Project isn’t here to make judgments on what you like to do so long as it’s consensual.
Now, back to talking dirty!
III: When You’re Shy
They say shyness isn’t necessarily who you are so much as a feeling you have while you do something. If you do enjoy being dirty, but sometimes feel intimidated by the idea of communicating these dirty ideas to a partner, please know that you’re definitely not alone. It can be hard to ask for a first kiss or to open up and share thoughts you haven’t shared with someone before. If you’re seeking some extra courage and boldness to be dirty, I want to encourage you to try two things:
First, here is an article which encourages you to set realistic expectations as well as keep some points in mind when practicing consent. This can be applied to dirty talk as well. With more realistic expectations, more consent will be practiced and thus enjoyed. Please give it a read!
Second, another way to overcome some of the shyness you may have with dirty talk is to practice articulating what you would want to say in the heat of the moment. That’s right, practice. If you type, sign, speak, or communicate in another way with your partner, practice communicating your dirty thoughts as though you are communicating them to your partner. You can even do this in front of a mirror if you fancy.
IV: The Director’s Chair
There is an important distinction to make when talking dirty and while communicating sexually more generally: the Narrator vs. the Director dynamic. I have been thinking about this dynamic originally as telling vs. requesting consent, but I think the Texan blogger by the name of Miss Julie Sunday wrote about this dynamic and explained it wonderfully well on her blog How To Have Sex In Texas. So I’ll happily refer to her musings. She defines the Narrator as:
“A Narrator is someone who will describe what is happening as it is happening, giving a play-by-play of the various actions taking place and (usually) commenting about how good it feels, how hot it is, and so on.”
And the director is simply:
“…someone who prefers to tell their partner what to do.”
One thing I really loved about her post is that she provided examples of how a Director and a Narrator might communicate the same thing:
“Narrator: “It feels so good when you bite my ear”
Director: “Oh yeah baby, bite my ear”
Narrator: “I love it when you suck my nipples like that”
Director: “Suck my nipples”
Narrator: “Your ____ tastes so good”
Director: “You think it’s so hot when I suck your ____, don’t you?”
Narrator: “Your ____ feels amazing in my ____”
Director: “Take all of my ____. You like that, don’t you?””
Here are three more examples of the Director I want to share:
- “F*** me!”
- “Don’t stop!”
- “Just like that!”
I personally find that either technique is perfectly okay so long as your maintaining consent. Furthermore, some people may do both for different reasons at different times. Some important questions you may want to ask yourself and your partners:
- When do you direct?
- When do you narrate?
- Do you find directing to be more or less dirty than narrating?
- Do you find one dirty while the other not dirty?
Another great discrepancy Miss Julie Sunday makes is giving versus asking for consent. If someone asks you for your consent to do X, you might give consent by saying “Yes, I want you to X.” But, if you say, “I want you to X” as your way of asking for consent, without a discussion ahead of time about whether or not the other person likes to be Directed, then this can add pressure which can make it difficult for someone to give an authentic response and can possibly even force something upon them. Here are some ways to ask for consent: “What do you want?” and “Do you want me to get you ever hotter?…How?”
Special thank you to How To Have Sex in Texas for a great deal of inspiration on this section! Check out her article on this topic with parts one and two!
V: A Note On Speed
“Touch me soft and slow and then touch me harder and faster”
Like the amount of pressure and types of pressure, sometimes people like to start off slow when talking dirty. Much like negotiating touch, the progression of talking dirty might be, “Let’s start off slightly dirty and then get more and more bad.” An example of a useful question related to this is:
“How dirty are you feeling?”
As always, tailor your behaviors to your partner’s response. So if your partner says they’re feeling really dirty, what exactly does this mean? Ask! You can try, “So what gets you so dirty?” Or, if you’re sensing that your partner may not be interested in moving as fast as you, ask if they want to slow it down.
Recognizing that people can be shy and timid is a great reason to start off slow. If you or your partner blushes or chuckles when asking to ____ your/their ____, that’s perfectly okay. The great news is, when you’re gettin’ down and dirty, you all are alone and what others think only matters as much or as little as you want.
Here are three questions which can help establish a pace your partner feels comfortable with:
- “Are you feeling dirty?” (Determining if they are feeling dirty. If the answer you receive is “no”, then the next questions don’t apply.)
- “How dirty?” (Provides your partner the ability to mention the level of dirtiness they’re comfortable with.)
- “Dirty enough for what exactly?” (This question gives you the opportunity to get a sexy insight into what your partner now wants.)
If you both are enjoying talking dirty, those last two questions can continually be used and reframed to keep the excitement lasting. “You say you’re still feeling dirty?…What would keep you so hot?”
VI. Dirty Examples
Now, to inspire your senses and for you to inspire your partner, here are some phrases that you can consider, alter, expand upon, edit, or change however you like. Whatever words you want to use are perfectly fine so long as it’s agreed upon and consensual. Remember, dirty talk is dirty!
I love your smart, dirty mind!
Your ____ is going to make me come.
I love it when you ____ me.
I love how you ____ when I talk to you like this.
Your ___ gets so ___ when I ____ it.
I want you to _______. It would drive me wild!
I’ve been naughty today…_____ me!
I want to get naked with you right now!
This is going to be quite a dirty night.
I want to ____ you with my hard ___ until you ____ all over me.
I’ve been waiting all day to _____ you.
Come here _____.
No one has ever turned me on like you.
You have the nicest _____ I have ever seen.
Your ____ drives me wild!
Your body/mind/heart is so hot.
You have no idea how much I want you.
Anything else you want to consensually communicate!
VII: Dirty Talk Is Fluid
Your answers to these questions today may change in the future. If you want, you can refer back to the questions in section two as well as re-ask yourself, “What (if anything) gets me ‘dirty’?” If you’re looking to improve your dirty talk, one of your most valuable assets in this pursuit is to be aware of your dirty desires. Whether you call these desires ‘nasty’, or ‘bad’, or ‘freaky’, or ‘dirty’, they can change and so too may your relationship with dirty talk be changing as well.
Hopefully this article has given you an exciting opportunity for you to accomplish: to explore if/how you like to get dirty. Furthermore, to help you get wordy while you get dirty – to provide you the chance to make your dirty talk more consensual thereby making your dirty talk more pleasurable and safer. So for those of you who have noticed that you enjoy being dirty, it’s time for you to go on with your bad self!