The Best Kept Secret In Sex

Victoria’s Secret isn’t nearly as amazing as this secret

Somewhere in this infinite universe I’m indebted to someone more than I can repay.   I forget who, but someone has given me an outlook that deeply shapes my life still until this very day. They said, “When you seek to pull the thread to answer one question, you unravel the fabric of them all.”  In one way or another sex educators seem to begin with a very similar question: How can we enjoy better sexual activity? What I’ve discovered will not only enhance your sex life in ways drug companies only wish they could, it’s quite frankly the best-kept secret in sex:


I’m not referring to your standard image of consent, painted out of the three primaries, “no’s”, “yes’s”, and “maybe’s”. I’m referring to consent as a framework. The process. The language.  The art.

Like great art, our sexual pleasure is inspired from our senses, our emotions, and our intellect. Unifying these together with someone is at the heart of sexual chemistry.  Nothing drives us, or should I say drives us more wild, than when we’re able to slip into this extraordinary rapport. The discovery of this mutual desire may be the strongest aphrodisiac. Here’s why:

Have you ever you been head over heels for someone without them knowing it? Every time you see them you wonder, “How did they get to be so incredible?” While you drift into day dreams you simultaneously wonder how you can turn these fantasies into a reality.  But, have you ever had that person tell you that they thought you were attractive? If your answer is “yes!”, then you’ve been a winning lottery ticket holder at least once in your life. The feeling is irreplaceable. That very feeling is largely the discovery of mutual desire. It happens from the first time we establish romantic interest all the way through the rest of our sexual activity.

But that connection is hard to maintain. Unfortunately, our current sexual culture suggests that when it comes to this sexual communication, we should rely entirely on body language.  We’re told it’s the sexiest and most reliable form of sexual communication.  Since sexual communication can be considered an art, if you’re relying entirely on body language, you’re probably busy making macaroni necklaces.  In the art of discovering mutual desire and exploring the exciting cusp of your fantasies and your realities, fluency in consent is paramount.

You can use any form of sexual contact as an example. When you think about this connection, you all have an image of what you like in mind.  This is exactly true for your partner granted they want it as well.  But have you ever communicated the precise nuance of this image with the person your being sexual with and vice versa? Details like speed, location, moisture, sound (loudness/types of sound), depth, duration, position, what you were (or weren’t) wearing, what the other person was (or wasn’t) wearing, what words you like to communicate during, or any other of the exciting ways we understand this form of sexual gratification. This is one of the biggest secrets the art of consent reveals to us: not just our desire, but the depth of our own desire.  By being able to consciously understand the complexity of our pleasure are we that much more equipped to communicate our buttons so our rendezvous can press them in just the ways we want. And vice versa. Together you and your partner can paint an image with such magnificent realism it becomes your sex life.

No matter if you’ve been married for 10 years or if this is your 10th date, you’re going to remember how not only how desire is fluid – changing from person to person, hookup to hookup, or even within the course of a hookup – you’re going to get a current glimpse into the exciting, candid, and downright sexy connection you and your partner both together crave. Call it an image or call it a fantasy, when both you and your partner are ready and willing, start with just one question to begin.  I’m sure you’ll start to ask more.

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Written by Ben Privot on July 14, 2011